Vancouver Morning

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應徵結束那日﹐轉了幾個圈都找不到 Robson﹐明明隔著一條街﹐我就是找不到。不明白是風景驟變還是我什麼都不記得了﹖從沒走到這一頭﹐從沒發現這裡的辦公室都長什麼樣子。昨日當我年輕時 - 只要回憶都是五年十年的事。我不知道的是“那裡”是不是現在這個“這裡”。

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其實我們從沒真正認識過什麼。

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三月底下了一個禮拜的雨以後﹐像是該發泄的情緒都發泄完了﹐四月的天氣一直好著。上下班一路亮著自然光﹐背後傳來連珠炮似的對白﹐像真實生活的韓劇。這裡的上班族都很自然﹐而且數目不多﹐插放在來學英文的各國學生和蓬頭亂髮的主婦中間 (或她們是更為隨性的上班族﹖)。不像紐約更不像倫敦。放鬆還不容易﹐吐口氣就飄飛了﹕套頭衫﹐睡褲﹐脫鞋﹔銜支牙刷﹐髮捲。

4
我數得出我怎麼來到這裡的﹐我可以。我不知道的是為什麼。

5
心態上把這當成家﹐不然也是維多利亞。所以一直向後望。我從沒想過在這裡待了多長日子﹐一直要到他問我到底在這城市統共待了多久﹐我才意識到或許坐倫敦地鐵的次數都比 Skytrain 多。家不在你出生的地方﹐也不在乎你待了多久。家不過是那片誰也奪不了的金色森林, or the place that inspires it.

我在那裡獨處了太久﹐every little piece of me.

6
一個人能對自己多誠實﹖

7
我走的時候他們還沒走﹐我來的時候他們全在。每個房間都是一個黑暗的房子﹐裡面有幾隻靠螢幕光照亮的生物。牆壁上畫著各種怪物的解剖圖﹐牆上寫著自己創立的世界規則﹐牆上貼著各人的幽默。我應當要比現在更興奮的。但這像拍電影一樣 - 自己拍就不好玩了。

8
那究竟不過是一種暴君的個性﹕是我的就該當全是我的。

One Art - Elizabeth Bishop

The art of losing isn't hard to master; 失去 這門藝術並不難練習﹔
so many things seem filled with the intent 諸事造時皆存此意
to be lost that their loss is no disaster. 該當失去算不上什麼慘劇。

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster 每日失去一些東西。接受
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent. 失去鑰匙的不安﹐浪費光陰。
The art of losing isn't hard to master. 失去 這門藝術不難練習。

Then practice losing farther, losing faster: 再而練習失去多些 快些﹔
places, and names, and where it was you meant 地方﹐名字﹐已經投入的
to travel. None of these will bring disaster. 目的地。這些同樣無關慘劇。

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or 我失去母親的錶。看!最後一個
next-to-last, of three loved houses went. 兩個﹐三個心愛的房子都去了。
The art of losing isn't hard to master. 失去 這門藝術不難練習。

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster, 我失去兩個城市﹐可愛的人。和﹐
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent. 那些我擁有的宇宙﹐兩條溪﹐一片大陸。
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster. 我想念他們﹐但算不上什麼慘劇。

--Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture 就算是失去你 (開玩笑的口氣﹐姿態
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident 我深愛的) 我不該說謊。事實如此
the art of losing's not too hard to master 失去 這門藝術不難練習。
though it may look like (Write it!) like disaster. 就算它看上去 (寫下來) 多像齣慘劇。

劇作家之死 - Synecdoche, New York (2008)

Minister: Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what is true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won't know for twenty years. And you'll never ever trace it to its source. And you only get one chance to play it out. Just try and figure out your own divorce. And they say there is no fate, but there is: it's what you create. Even though the world goes on for eons and eons, you are here for a fraction of a fraction of a second. Most of your time is spent being dead or not yet born. But while alive, you wait in vain, wasting years, for a phone call or a letter or a look from someone or something to make it all right. And it never comes or it seems to but doesn't really. And so you spend your time in vague regret or vaguer hope for something good to come along. Something to make you feel connected, to make you feel whole, to make you feel loved. And the truth is I'm so angry and the truth is I'm so fucking sad, and the truth is I've been so fucking hurt for so fucking long and for just as long have been pretending I'm OK, just to get along, just for, I don't know why, maybe because no one wants to hear about my misery, because they have their own, and their own is too overwhelming to allow them to listen to or care about mine. Well, fuck everybody. Amen.

劇作家 Caden Cotard 的人生隨著怪病和妻女的離去而逐日崩解﹐同時﹐他執導的《推銷員之死》卻為他贏得 MacArthur Grant﹐隨之而來的豐厚獎金使他決定著手做出死前最後一劇。他買下一廢棄倉庫﹐在其中建立紐約城﹐找來演員演繹各種真實人生 - 包括他自己的。戲內戲外﹐他和女主角及售票員的情事也逐漸發酵 ...... 。

Charlie Kaufman 的作品總在腦子裡鑽進鑽出。從第一部電影《Being John Malkovich》開始﹐《Adaptation》鑽的是他自己的腦﹐《Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind》則藉手術進腦抹去痛苦回憶。《Synecdoche, New York》是他自己撰寫、執導、製作的作品﹐換來的反應不是極好就是極壞。一方說他走火入魔、晦澀難懂﹐一方樂於鑽研其豐富的影像、符號和寓意。最令人感到困惑的是其伸縮的時間概念﹐模糊想像與現實、創作或真相的拍攝法。

如果一般的電影以2D的方法線性前進﹐考夫曼這次就是來了個3D大考驗﹐把主角的人生像魔術方塊一樣一手提起、翻來覆去地詮釋各種可能。自行的邏輯和錯綜的結構讓這部片成了一部從任何一點開始看都可以的電影﹐每個部份皆是主角40年人生中的精華處﹐以“提喻法”演繹他與妻子、情人、女兒、妻子的朋友/女兒的情人、成了妻子的情人、始終錯過的情人、以情人姿態出現的陌生人、夫妻、親情、自我、鏡子對面的想像、人生選擇等種種。片子步入尾聲時更藉由飾演自己的清掃婦更提供一個方便的詮釋法﹕一個已經死去劇作家的靈魂﹐永恆地想像自己已滅的人生。

相較於《Being John Malkovich》的戲瘧、《Adaptation》的自嘲、《Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind》的溫柔﹐《Synecdoche, New York》更為嚴肅又詩意 - 不過足足朗讀兩個半小時後﹐難免像生吞吐司一樣生不出唾液。這是媒介性質的問題。作品本身是一首極好極好的長詩﹐每個片斷都足以獨自取出﹐斷章取義。

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我的工作模式是這樣子的 - 在樓下吃完一片吐司和一杯咖啡的早餐以後﹐在樓上房間的大窗前坐下﹐打開電腦﹐就這麼動也不動地直到完成一集。寫作之神秘在於坐下時從不知道幾個小時後會寫出什麼﹐劇情便像神諭般一一爬上﹐像自有自的安排﹐我不過是將它寫上去。有時感覺人生也不過如此﹐所有的走位和情景像每一日交到手上的紙條﹐我們所做的不過是將它演出來。

紐約提喻法/紐約劇中劇。變腦/傀儡人生。蘭花賊/改編劇本。王牌冤家/無痛失戀/美麗心靈的永恆陽光。

蘇三的夢

蘇三出生在蘇格蘭一個名不見經傳的鄉下﹐是九個兄弟姐妹的最後一個。她經驗豐富的母親耽擱了她的出生﹐把一些腦子留在了子宮裡﹐帶來的是求學期間無盡的恥笑和騷擾。之後數十年的時光﹐她在家中照顧久病母親﹐直到45歲那年。母親去世後﹐只剩下一隻叫小鵝卵石的十歲老貓陪伴她。

蘇三年華老去﹐長期失業﹐從未嘗過接吻的滋味﹐但她還有一個希望和秘密﹐就是﹐她想唱歌......

I dreamed a dream in time gone by 過去的時光裡我夢想著一個夢
When hope was high and life worth living 在飽滿希望和值得的人生
I dreamed that love would never die 我夢想愛永遠不會消逝
I dreamed that God would be forgiving 我夢想著神充滿憐憫

Then I was young and unafraid 年輕而無懼的時光啊
And dreams were made and used and wasted 生出的 使用了 毀壞的夢想們
There was no ransom to be paid 從不需付出任何代價
No song unsung, no wine untasted 沒有唱不了的歌 未嘗的美酒

But the tigers come at night 惡者在夜裡靠近
With their voices soft as thunder 聲音輕柔如雷擊
As they tear your hope apart 撕裂了希望
And they turn your dream to shame 將夢想換成了羞恥

And still I dream he'll come to me 我仍然夢見他會來到
That we will live the years together 與我一同渡過年華
But there are dreams that cannot be 但總有不能實現的夢
And there are storms we cannot weather 總有我們不能抵擋的暴風

I had a dream my life would be 我夢想著我的人生會是
So different from this hell I'm living 與此刻的地獄多麼不同
So different now from what it seemed 多麼不同於現在的光景
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed. 而人生終究消磨了我夢想的夢。

一次的歌唱比賽﹐蘇三在三王面前唱出了她的天籟之音。這段影片藉著今日的各種科技﹐在短短幾日內傳遍了世界每個角落。《I dreamed a dream》是《悲慘世界 Les Miserable》裡的為了養活孩子出賣身體的 Fantine 哀悼自己一去無回的青春﹐和隨著青春和遭遇所磨滅的夢想。

蘇三也在哀悼她的年華和夢想﹐但我們看見、聽見的﹐是她那灰姑娘的身體和隱藏其中沒人知曉的靈魂。